Today I was interviewing a private school, no they were interviewing Jack, Fiona and I. How will this work out? Will they accept her? Will they disappoint her? How is all this going to fit into our life? Fear!
The thought of her heart breaking is a challenge to my Mama's heart. She might not know it but my heart still beats with hers, even though she cuts the cord deeper everyday. Allowing her to feel the real life experience of disappointment and all that goes with it, allowing her to grow up a little more- is barely tolerable. Looking at my daughter's sweet face across the Dean of Admissions desk I saw her deep beauty as if time were frozen for a fraction of a second. I had a glimpse into her soul. Oh my God, she is amazing, incredible, her humanity and that which is more, so much much more. There is so much she doesn't know, but there is so much more of her than I give her credit for on any given manic, insane, frustrating, exhausting day. She blushed crimson while answering questions. Her eyes sparkled with innocence. The softness of her cheeks, was tactility understood from the distance of the three feet away- my world away, the other end of the table. Her enthusiasm for this school didn't surprise me. The view of her was however almost shocking. Warm, sensitive, intelligent, beautiful, caring. These things I did know. I did. But there was so much more communicated in that fraction of a second that words were not made for.
I am so screwed. Now that I have this new view of her, How shall I survive motherhood? I am so pathetic! I love my children too much. I want to protect them from.....everything. But in doing so I do them a disservice. Experiencing things within the parameters of my shelter is part of my job. I must be brave. I must have faith. One more growth opportunity huh? #*^@ that! Parenting is so much harder than I thought. I think my kids will survive pretty well. I, and I think it's safe to speak for Jack, are basket cases. Hopefully we raise the kids well enough to take care of us when we're also nutcases. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. For the millennium parents have loved their kids and survived. I guess if I need a reality check, I can go look at all the clean laundry under her bed. Yeah, that outta do it.
Life as Momto.
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NICE!!!!!!!!!!!! Really lovely, Sara. Thanks for shairng. xoVicki
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed for all of you!
ReplyDeleteTracy
Sympathizing! Fiona will treasure this one day. More XO's -- Susan
ReplyDeleteLove is the glue that holds our fractured lives together. you will be fine...they will be fine. a deep unfaltering love allows for wounds to form and heal. no one escapes that kind of forward movement you speak of, the watching sweetness change into something else...the distance of a table keeping your mothers touch just a little too far..but in each of these harder moments, you and she and jack and Ian..are born again into new skin that each time will move with you, in all your new ways of moving. that skin giving you the strength to reach farther and grow stronger. the trick is to be doing it together..which you truely are, as we can read here.
ReplyDeletesleep well..heaven is here..no more waiting.